Standing At a Crosroads

Which way do I go?

I always thought that when you reached the midpoint in your life you would either be on top (or near the top) of the mountain to your success enjoying the fruits of your labor. Or you'd be stuck somewhere in the valley trying to find the path up the mountain.

In my case, I feel like I've hit a dead end on my path and now I'm forced to turn back to find a new way around...backtracking, reliving past mistakes, doubting my skills and abilities as a result. So, instead of finding a way to move forward, even creating a new path, I think I have to stop an analyze the entire situation before making a decision which would be fairly easy to most people.

Push through the barriers in front of you. If you're having a tough time, find a way around them - crawl over, around, under - whatever you have to do. Just find a way to break through the barrier, whether it's external or internal, and forge that new path to happiness. But sometimes that's easier said than done.

What's in your path?

Oftentimes we find ourselves wallowing in our own self misery feeling unable to escape the guilt, shame, anxiety, worries, fears, etc., that keep us stuck in that dark place. The only way to break out of the vicious cycle of toxic thinking is to say "No" to those thoughts, and pull yourself out of there through sheer force of will (and meds, if needed). No one needs to drown in that cesspool of darkness and endless misery that we make for ourselves. Once we realize that we are in control of our minds, our thoughts, and our actions, then we are able to move forward to find a better place, a better life.

Discover Texas at SXSW 2023

For me, it was landing in the hospital with pneumonia because I spent a year burning the candle at a both ends to make sure a large , high visibility event for my employer went off without. a hitch and , it turned out, was successful at SXSW 2023. It took being admitted to the hospital for treatment for pneumonia just days before our Discover Texas at SXSW 2023 event for me to realize that not only what I was doing was hurting no one but by myself, but I was attributing my entire self worth to my work, which was becoming toxic.

No one cared that I was running myself ragged taking care of the large pieces of the event - finalizing contracts for entertainers, vendors, etc., and helping manage our team with the minor logistics to help pull the event together. But it in the end it didn't matter. I still ended up sick and missing out on the one fantastic event that I helped produced. Despite knowing that I became ill, depressed really, and fell into a funk about it. I began to question myself. Who is "kat" really? If a big event like ou SXSW event can go on without me, what do I truly bring to the table? Am I still a worthy person if you strip my work life from me? THere questions plagued me.

So, back to what I was saying, I feel like I am once again at a crossroads and the moment seems to be repeating itself. Though I started my career in high tech as a coder, moved into writing and editing content, then jumped into project management where I currently meander, I feel the pull once again to be creative and to write again. I believe, in hindsight, it was the death of our family's beloved support cat, Max, that unlocked this desire buried within me.

Finding a "Spark" Through the "Sadness"

Max finally at peace

When Max passed away on March 13, 2023, just days shy of his 16th birthday, I wrote my first hand-written letter to anyone in years - and it was to Max. I told him thank you for being such a wonderful friend to the family and other pets, but especially to my autistic, gifted son, who needed a friend more than anyone. I let Max know that he left an indelible impression on the entire family and that he would be sorely missed. He could go easy now to join his sister, Bella, and our first cat, Sabrina, in heaven. Frolic amongst the flowers, I said, until we arrive. And that is exactly what we told him as our compassionate mobile vet helped transition him to the next plane - "Your work is done here. We'll be ok. Now go be at peace with your sister."

And that's how my spark for writing again was rekindled - through making the decision to put down a beloved pet in pain in our home surrounded by love and all that he was familiar. It was all I could ever hope for any being needing to move from this plane to the next. Thank you, Max, for showing me that through being selfless there is strength and hope for better things. My first love note was buried with you.

The Next Phase

So, although I'm still a project manager, which I enjoy as a profession, I realize that I have to write and be creative again if I'm going to be employed someplace that only sees PMs as "tools" and not "additional communications resources" as well. 

I'm not just an order taker. I'm a strategist and communicator who can get things done. And what I bring to the table through my communications skills is immensely more valuable than someone who just stands by to take and execute orders, which I also excel at.

So, I'll continue to forge a "custom" path for myself for now and see where that takes me. I am no longer focused on "monetary success" and trying to see how high I can climb the "corporate ladder" as I am on "emotional success". I want to be happy. Period. 

But is that truly attainable? And for how long? If only fleeting, then I want it.